Beautiful
by Mystrothedefender
Summary: The mundane life of Transwoman Germany (Monika Beilschmidt)
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! This is a little trans germany thing, I might add to it but I need some ideas!**

Monika frowned as she looked through the wide array of bras, unable to pick anything out. She had no idea what to pick, she knew the size of her chest but she didn't have real breasts, how was she to know what cup size to pick? She'd looked it up online but it was so different seeing it laid out like this.

She felt herself tense up as one of the staff approached her. She'd hoped not to have to talk to anyone.

She forced a smile as the young woman began to talk.

"Excuse me, can I help you? You look a bit lost."

Monika bit the inside of her lip, very aware that the woman had not called her sir or madam, meaning she didn't know what she was. Monika knew that with the horrible deep voice she was about to spew the woman would lose all notion that Monika was actually a woman.

"I'm just a little confused," she said quietly, "I don't know what size to pick."

The woman nodded, "Oh well I can help with that. Uh," she looked Monika up and down, "Who are you buying for?"

Monika looked down at her feet, "Myself," she said, almost whispering. She didn't usually get this worried, but she'd heard stories of trans women being asked to leave lingerie shops because the staff had thought they were perverts.

She didn't want that to happen.

"Oh," the woman said, taken aback, she frowned visibly, Monika's heart leaping into her throat.

"I'll have to go and get my manager, I'll just be a moment, sorry."

Monika watched as the lady hurried off, feeling a panic rise inside her, she didn't want to get into trouble. Maybe she should leave before they came back?

She pursed her lips, looking at the door, cursing her own indecisiveness.

She forced herself to stay calm as the woman returned, a man on her heels.

The man stared at her for a moment before speaking, a beautiful sing song Italian accent coming from his lips, "Ciao bella, I'm Feliciano Vargas," he began, smiling at Monika's obvious discomfort, hoping it would calm her, "I've been told you are confused about what to buy?"

Monika grit her teeth and nodded, finding herself unable to speak.

"I'm sure I can find you something to wear that's just as beautiful as you. I will help you pick something out."

Monika stared at him, her mouth hanging open slightly. Had he really just called her beautiful?

The man raised his hand, gesturing for her to follow him. He looked her up and down, "Are you ok?" he asked sweetly, "You look nervous. Don't worry, I promise you'll find something perfect."

Monika nodded, all of her fear had suddenly gone, and she felt almost happy.

"First you need to have breast forms, don't worry, we sell them here, we have women come in sometimes who have had breast cancer, so I always keep some in stock. Have a look around while I get you some."

Monika nodded again as the man sped off into the back room, she could do nothing but stare after him. She'd never met anyone who accepted her so easily, she'd not even had to correct him. This felt so surreal, so perfect.

The man returned a moment later, holding a couple of pink squishy looking bags which Monika instantly recognised as the fake breasts that she'd been recommended to get.

"Here you go," Feliciano said as he handed them to her, "They're quite cheap don't worry, I can give you a discount," he winked, letting out a small chuckle. He watched her feel the silicon packs, smiling at her. "Those are for B cup bras. Now, do you know your chest size? What else would you like help with?"

Monika shook her head, still too nervous to speak.

He smiled, "You know where to find everything?"

Monika cleared her throat, the realisation creeping on her that she needed to speak or she'd seem… weird.

"Yes," she said, trying to correct her voice, "I'm fine, thank you, I don't need anything else."

The man nodded, clasping his hands together and smiling widely. "Ok, if you're sure, Miss. If you need any more help just come and find me."

Monika nodded. He'd called her miss, without even being prompted.

"It's Monika," she found herself saying, her voice slipping slightly, she cleared her throat, repeating herself in a slightly higher tone, "My name's Monika…"

Feliciano smiled, looking up at her, "It's nice to meet you Monika. I mean it, if you need anything I'd love to help."

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	2. Chapter 2

**Part two! Don't expect regular updates, sorry.**

Monika took Aster's lead, calling the dogs in from the back garden and affixing the clip to the smallest dog's collar. She looked up and around for her brother. She always felt more comfortable going out in public with him, someone who knew who she really was an accepted her. No matter how many people looked at her like she was a freak she still had him by her side, it was calming.

"Gil?" she asked loudly, having searched all his usual places, unable to find him. "Gil I'm going out."

She frowned after a moment, maybe he'd gone out and not told her..?

He'd got into a bad habit of doing that…

She tugged Aster's lead, urging him towards the door and calling Blackie, their other dog to her side, she had to get out of the house, with or without Gil.

He was a good guy, just unreliable sometimes… though, she had to face the outside world without him more often, she had to get used to it. She wanted to be as strong and independent as she had been before, she couldn't let a few strange looks get to her.

She walked down the paved street Blackie and Aster trotting along at her side, luckily it was still early and almost no one was out. She headed for the park that separated her home from the town, Blackie pushing past her as she opened the gate and running into the field.

"Aster," she said in her natural voice, clicking her tongue to get the dog's attention, "You want to play?" she asked as she took of his lead, taking a ball from the pocket of her coat. She heaved the ball across the park, watching the small dog tear off after it. Sometimes she swore he forgot his size, in that way she could relate to him, he was probably the favourite of their dogs.

She watched the dog ran off to fetch the ball back, sitting on one of the benches. She took the ball again and threw it, "Go boy," she yelled loudly, smiling as she watched the dog run.

"I thought it was you," a voice from behind her said. She jumped at the noise, she hadn't realised anyone else was there.

She turned her head to see the man from the lingerie shop she'd visited a few days ago. "Oh," she squeaked, forcing her voice into a higher pitch, "Hello, uh…"

"Feliciano," the man said, bobbing his head slightly with the word. "These are your dogs?"

"Yes," she said, trying to sound soft as she felt herself tense up, "This is Aster," she said as she took the dog's toy again, "And the other one is Blackie."

The man sat down on the bench next to her, perhaps a little too close. "I like cats more, they're so cute and fluffy."

Monika let out a small grunt. She liked dogs better, cats were ok but… she didn't feel like talking about it, she'd come out to relax and play with her dogs. This man was nice but she didn't really feel like talking to a stranger.

The man smiled at her, "You know your natural voice is lovely."

"What?" Monika frowned, keeping her voice pitch in check.

Feliciano shrugged, "When you speak like that it sounds kind of forced, your natural voice is very nice."

Monika shifted away from him on the bench, pulling her dog closer to her to separate them. "Believe it or not, I don't take that as a compliment."

"Oh," the man squeaked, glancing away, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean…" he bit his lip visibly, "Look, I'll just talk straight to you," he looked up at her, smiling weakly, "I think you're beautiful, I haven't been able to get you out of my head since I first saw you."

She frowned; that would sound flattering if it wasn't so creepy. She wished her brother had come along…

"Have you been following me?" she asked quickly, a frown sticking to her face.

Feliciano's eyes widened, "What?" he stuttered, "No, of course not. I come this way to work, I didn't mean to…" he let out a small huff, shaking his head and looking away, "I'm sorry if I scared you."

Monika frowned, crossing her arms, Aster huddling close to her legs, "You live near here?" she questioned.

"Si," the man nodded, "Just down there," he pointed to a block of flats on the corner of the park, "I'm not lying I promise, I really do live there, I walk through this park every day."

She nodded, choosing to believe him. He didn't seem like the sort of man who would lie about that sort of thing. And regardless of that she was at least twice his size, she was sure she could break his back if she tried, not that she would, that would be a very unladylike thing to do…

"I live near here too," she said softly, she glanced at him, "I hope you understand if I don't say where…"

He giggled, "No that's fine," he bit his lip softly, "It's just nice to see you again."

She nodded, "You too I suppose."

Feliciano lowered his hand to scratch Aster's head, the dog letting out a happy whine. He looked back up at Monika, smiling, "I should go, I have to get to work." He stood up, smoothing his clothes out, "I hope I can see you again soon."

Monika nodded, "Yeah, I'd like to see you again too." To her own surprise she wasn't lying.

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	3. Chapter 3

**Go to 'TheGermanAesthetic' on tumblr for Monikas blog, go and send her an ask!**

Monika lay on the sofa in the livingroom, her laptop balancing on her hips and her dog laying over her feet, there was something so calming about feeling the animal's warmth. She glanced down at him, frowning with worry; a few days ago while brushing him she'd discovered a lump on his stomach, not a large lump mind you, but big enough to worry her. She'd made an appointment at the vets but that wasn't for another two days, not soon enough to lessen her nerves.

She clicked off of her tumblr for a moment to check her skype notifications, finding she'd got another message from Oliver, her baking instructor, inquiring about a private lunch that week. She sighed softly and replied with a date and time. The last few weeks had been rather good to her; she'd come out to a few more people and they'd been rather accepting, it'd been a nice change of pace.

She wondered if she should tell him about Aster but quickly decided against it, she didn't want to bring him down and she was sure that would do it, the man had recently lost a dog himself and she was sure he didn't need reminding of that.

She went back to tumblr, staring at her dash for a moment before closing the window and googling 'cancer in dachshunds'. She opened the first page that came up and began to read, her stomach twisting with anxiety as she read.

Why was it that she had to find this now? She was already going through something stressful, the last thing she needed was more of it.

Maybe she should stop researching it, it might not be cancer after all, it may just be an abscess and that wouldn't be as difficult or expensive to deal with.

But if it did turn out to be cancer surely it would be better to research it now? So she'd have a better overview later.

She swallowed hard and closed her eyes for a moment; she needed to stop worrying, all she'd done lately was worry. Worry about coming out, worry about finding clothes that suited her, worry about if she'd lose her job, and now she was worrying about Aster. Dogs were meant to help stress not add to it.

On top of that she'd not eaten in over 7 hours, she'd only just realised that though. She lifted her head, frowning, "Gil?" she asked loudly, "When's dinner?"

She waited for a moment for an answer, huffing when she didn't get one and getting to her feet, disturbing her dog in the process.

"Gil?" she asked as she walked round the house, finding her brother in the kitchen. "There you are." She said at the sight of him, "Why didn't you answer me?"

Gil shrugged, busy moving between pots and pans, "I'm making dinner now, calm down, it'll be ready in five minutes."

Monika huffed in near anger, how could he tell her to calm down so nonchalantly, he knew she was stressed beyond belief, she didn't need his condescension.

Gil glanced back at her, an eyebrow raised, "Go sit down ok?" he said softly, smiling after a moment, "I've made your favourite."

She looked over at the stove, frowning, "This is not my favourite, this is _your_ favourite."

Gil chuckled softly, "Alright alright… don't get your balls in a twist Lud."

Monika felt anger rise quickly inside her, feeling her face become red, she felt like she was going to either cry or be sick.

She stared at her brother, watching him turn back to the food he was cooking, did he not realise what he'd said or done? How could he be so dense?

"My name's not Ludwig," she found herself yelling, tears pricking her eyes. She wouldn't usually let herself cry but she couldn't help it, she was so stressed and worried, she just couldn't help it.

Gil turned back to her, holding a hand up in an attempt at a calming gesture, "Ok, ok, _Monika_, I'm sorry, I misspoke ok…" he frowned, biting his lip, "I didn't mean to upset you," he said softly.

Monika huffed, letting out a soft growl, wiping her eyes, "No, Gil, but you did, y-you've got to stop doing that, you mess up all the time."

"What?" Gil said, cocking his head, "No I don't."

"Yes you do!" she said loudly, letting out a noise that was almost a sob, gritting her teeth, "You mess up all the time but I never mention it."

Gil bit his lip, blushing through embarrassment, "Oh," he said quietly, "I didn't even notice." He looked down at his feet, "I'm sorry," he looked back up at her, "I don't mean to, you understand that right?"

Monika nodded, wiping her eyes again and forcing herself to calm down, "Yeah, I know… It doesn't bother me normally, I'm just," she shook her head, "I'm stressed and worried about Aster."

Gilbert nodded, smiling, "Yeah I know…" he glanced back at the food, "Well, dinner will be ready soon, and it's gunna taste awesome. And I'll make strudel for pudding, that's your favourite right?"

Monika nodded, a weak smile coming to her face.

"Yeah, so, go sit down and I'll bring your food out in a minute."

**I hope you enjoyed the chapter, please leave a review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**so uh... it's been like a year hasn't it... hahah... sorry... might be a good idea for you to reread the first few chapters.**

Monika smiled softly as she and Oliver left the café, Oliver stopped at the door, looking at her awkwardly.

"Well, uh," he smiled sheepishly, "I had a lovely time, the éclairs were lovely didn't you think?"

Monika nodded, "Yes they were."

Oliver swallowed hard, still smiling, "So…" he let out a small huff, swinging on his hips slightly, "I should probably be getting going, do you want to do it again?"

Monika nodded again, "Of course." She smiled softly, "I enjoy coming out with you."

She pulled out her phone to make a note, "The same time next week?"

Oliver nodded, "Sure, do you want to come here again or go somewhere else?"

"Uh…" Monika found herself caught off guard, the past few times she'd gone out with Oliver he'd been the one to suggest the next meeting place, he knew where all the best teashops and bakeries were.

She stood in thinking for a moment, her eyes widening a little as she thought of a place. "There's a man named Arthur who owns a teashop near my house, we should go there."

Oliver nodded, "I think I know that place," he smiled, holding out his hand to shake hers, "It's a date then."

Monika nodded and shook his hand firmly, "I'll see you there."

She watched as he walked off, letting out a small and happy huff as she turned to walk towards the bus stop, sitting on the bench and leaning back, letting the soft glow of happiness fill her.

She was really beginning to enjoy going out with Oliver. At first it had been a little awkward, she always felt awkward in one on one social situations like that, but Oliver had a nice aura to him, he had a way of getting her to talk and making her feel comfortable.

It was even nicer knowing that he accepted her, in fact they'd not really talked before she'd come out to him as trans, it had been the evening that she'd come out to her baking class that he'd first approached her and asked her out to lunch.

Though at the same time something about that unnerved her.

She frowned as someone sat next to her on the bench, pulling her from her trance.

"Hi," the man said, Monika's head twitching to him as she realised she recognised the voice.

"Oh," she said softly, turning to face the familiar form of the small Italian man that seemed to keep popping up in her life, "Hello, uh…" she paused, her frown hardening as she tried to remember the man's name. "Feliciano?" she said, unsure.

The man smiled widely, nodding, "Si. Hello, it's good to see you again, Monika."

"What are you doing here?" Monika asked bluntly.

"I've just finished work," the man said, leaning back in the seat, "I'm headed home. Are you doing the same?"

Monika shook her head, "No, I don't work on the weekends. I just, uh," she paused for a moment, not quite sure how to define what she'd been doing, "I just had lunch with a friend."

"Oh," Feliciano cooed, "That sounds so nice. Where did you go?"

"The Heart, it's a teashop," she pointed in the direction of the shop, though it was just out of Feliciano's view.

Feliciano smiled, "Oh I know that place, their hot chocolate is so nice." He cocked his head, "It's a little bit romantic for lunch with a friend."

Monika glanced away, letting out a small grunt and getting to her feet as the bus pulled up in front of them, Feliciano jumping up and to her side.

"That's just my opinion though," the man squeaked behind her, seeming to fear that he'd insulted her.

"No I," she paused, pulling her ticket from her purse, "I agree with you actually."

Feliciano giggled, following her onto the bus and sitting on the seat in front of her, "Well then are you sure it was just a friend you were having lunch with?"

Monika shrugged, turning her head towards the window to try to discourage the conversation, the man however persisted.

"You know I'm not going to judge you for liking someone, if you've been on a date then that's a good thing."

"I know it's a good thing," Monika said, turning her head back to him, "I just don't think it's any of your business."

Feliciano pursed his lips, shying away slightly, "I'm sorry, I don't want you to think I'm being nosey,"

Monika frowned at him for a second, how could he think he was being anything but nosey? She pulled away to sit straight in her seat, looking back at him after a moment and seeing him sunken in his chair, his smile faded.

"The truth is," she said softly, "I don't know if it was a date or not."

Feliciano's smile widened and he let out a small chuckle, "How do you not know if it was a date? It's easy to tell."

Monika shook her head, "I'm not good at recognising things like that."

Feliciano leaned forward, "Well were they smiling at you a lot, and watching you, and leaning over and touching your arm?" he leant in to stroke her arm to demonstrate.

Monika glance down, "Yes, I suppose so."

"Then it might have been a date."

"But he does that with everyone, I think," Monika said, frowning again.

Feliciano hummed softly, "Yes but he doesn't do it to them and ask them out to lunch as well."

Monika chewed her lip and nodded, "That's true… I never really…" she huffed, turning away again.

Feliciano patted her arm again, "You could just ask him?"

Monika shook her head, there was no way she could do that, if he was only interested in her as a friend it might ruin whatever friendship they had.

"It might be better than not knowing?" Feliciano pushed.

"Ja…" she said under her breath, letting out another huff before shaking her head, "I might ask eventually." She pressed the stop button in the bus railings, getting to her feet and looking down at Feliciano, "Are you getting off here too?"

Feliciano paused for a moment before nodding and getting to his feet, "Si," he followed her off the bus, stopping and smiling at her, "Which way is your house."

Monika gestured to her left and began to walk, Feliciano smiled, walking at her side, "Me too."

"I always think it's a good idea to ask if people like you, it stops you from getting hurt or confused," Feliciano began to explain.

Monika nodded, "…I'm always worried about making things weird, I have so few friends now I don't want to lose the ones I have."

Feliciano glanced down, "Yeah I can understand." He looked back up at her, smiling, "But you can't let that stand in your way, you deserve to know what's going on."

Monika nodded again, stopping outside her block of flats, "I live here," she said bluntly, beginning to walk up the stairs.

"Oh," Feliciano squeaked, "I live a bit more down here," he gestured down the road.

Monika frowned, there was another bus stop a little down the road, he could have stayed on. "Why did you get off the bus with me then?"

Feliciano shrugged, "Well, I like you and I wanted to keep talking," he smiled, "I like walking anyway."

"Oh…" Monika swayed on her feet, frowning, "Well thank you."

Feliciano's smile widened, "Your welcome…" he chuckled softly, "And, uh, when I say I like you, I do mean as more than a friend, I don't want you to feel confused."

"Oh," Monika said again, feeling a soft blush come to her face, "Well… ok…"

Feliciano linked his hands behind his back, looking up at her sweetly, "Do you think, maybe, if the man you had lunch with doesn't want to go out with you that I might be able to?"

Monika stared at him for a moment, her mouth lulling open slightly, "I… uh…" she swallowed hard, "I don't know, maybe, I'll have to think about that."

"Well if I see you again you can tell me."

Monika nodded, "Ok."

Feliciano giggled, "Ok, I need to be going, my cat will start to miss me."

She watched as he began to walk off, feeling a soft smile come to her face as she turned to the door, walking in and up to her apartment.

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